Almost... Again.

I was hoping for better circumstances to post this, but this will have to do. At least I'll have something to look back on and remember all the details of another "almost" in our little family. This week will mark my 4th miscarriage. 

I wote this post December 27th, the night I found out I was pregnant... Again.

-Having a little trouble sleeping tonight... I'm happy to say I have a lot on my mind. I am crossing my finger that in 7 LONG and seemingly forever away weeks that this post sees the light of day. If so, that means a picture of 2 pink lines will be closely followed by a beautiful picture of a 12 week old baby ultrasound!

I've taken 3 different pregnancy tests within a weeks time. The first two were negative and today one was positive! I am a tad bit ancy when it comes to pregnancy tests, so I wasn't surprised when the first was negative because I already knew I was taking it to early and the chances of it even detecting I was pregnant were slim... Then 3 days later I decided what the heck might as well try again just to be sure right?... Nothin :( 

So today against Lloyd's advice I decided to buy one more test. I don't feel pregnant (which makes me even more nervous), but I'm never 9 days late either! So just to calm my mind I try one more time, and let me tell you, I can't even explain the rush of emotions when I finally glance down and see both pink lines on that little stick! A huge grin came on my face, shortly followed by a sinking feeling in my stomach. After the year we have had trying for a baby, it's hard not to be worried and just be excited. I decided to tell Lloyd very casually so as not to get to worked up over it... Just in case. 

I came in the bedroom where he was sitting at his desk and said, "Well I guess I'm pregnant". That of course got his attention and as he looked up at me to ask if I was serious I could feel my eyes welling up, but I managed to hold it together. After I told him I wasn't joking we had an "air-high five" haha and then he said, "Well then get over here and give me a hug and a kiss". We nervously came together like we were about to step on a land mine. This isn't our first rodeo, so we try to stay calm until we can know if everything is ok with our sweet baby tadpole :) 

So now the waiting game begins. I walk on egg shells for 7 weeks in hopes that I actually get to go to my first prenatal visit this time! All in all, I can't help but be excited at even the chance to be a mommy again. I know everything works on the Lords timetable, but I'm sure hoping and praying that now is the time for us! 

One part I left out of the story is how right after I told Lloyd the news, he told me that earlier in the day he was working on homework and out of no where he had the very distinct impression, "Sunni will have a baby on MY time." He said he really didn't think much of it because he already knew things would work when they were supposed to. I think I purposely left this part out in hopes that it  just meant NOW is the right time... And not what was really in the back of my mind. That this still wasn't the  right timing, and maybe Lloyd got that impression as a reminder to me that I need to be patient and faithful. 

As I write this tonight I again have a mix of emotions. I can feel my hormones going out of wack as my body goes through the motions of yet another miscarriage. I have my moments when I'm able to handle it just fine and be strong, then before long I'm an emotional mess and being sad about it. Yet through it all I can't even begin to ignore the underlying feeling of peace that I know I'm being cared for by my Heavenly Father. 

I don't know all the answers, or why this keeps happening, but I do know that its something I don't need to worry myself over. I believe that I will see the Lord's hand in every step of this journey as I look back on our experiences. I have decided that instead of stressing over what to do with myself every time this doesn't work out, it's time to start focusing my attention elsewhere and bettering myself as a person regardless of my "baby" situation. I already know The Lord will bless us with more children when the time is right, so instead of dwelling and worrying about when that might happen, it's time to get working on other goals I have for myself. 

- Get Healthy: After having Trey I got within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight for a while... Then I got lazy and found a few more pounds instead of losing the last 5. I'd love to start exercising and regardless of the weight, just find a place where I am happy with how I feel inside and out! This week I'm getting a gym membership, and starting my green smoothies again! 

- Be a better wife and mommy: I find myself easily distracted by electronics and TV. My iphone is an easy fix for a lot of things and I rely on it to much to entertain myself... and Treyson. If I want to be a mom again so bad I need to start acting like a good one and focus my spare time on "real" activities with Trey and making my house a place where we can feel the spirit. This year I'm putting my electronics on the back burner, cleaning my house more effectively, and spending quality time with both of my boys! 

From the mouth of babes

As Trey is learning more "words" I often find myself being the only one that can understand him. I thought it would be fun to document his little "language" as it evolves! 

Na-na: Banana

Ny-ny: Good night

Ka-ka: Cracker or pretty much any food

Oh ka-ka (while shaking his head): No Cracker

Muh: Milk

Joo: Juice

Ta-ta-ta: Hot

Kckie: Cookie 

Chee: Cheese

Puh-puh: Apple

Wa-wa: Water/shower

Tee: Brush Teeth

Pa-pa: Grandpa/Grandad

Ma-ma: Grandma

Gnani: Granni

Dadaay: Daddy

Ma: Mommy

Chutchu: Catcher

Noh: Nose

Giggies: Piggies/toes

Bah: Ball

Chuh: Chair

Di-Dow: Sit down

Kah: Car/Socks

Kee or Tee: Keys

Wuh-wuh: Word World

Mo-mo: Elmo

Maou: Micky Mouse

Lah-laah: Light

Booh: Book

Luh-yyyyoo: I love you 

do-Do-DO!!: 1-2-3

Oh Nnnnnoh: Oh no

Oh Derrr: Oh dear

Ah-Da: All done

Ah-Ga: All gone

Mo-mo: More

Ha-ta: Hat

Djoo: Shoes

Kikie: Icky/sticky

Peee: Please

Duh-Doo: Thank You

Hiy-hiy: Hi

Buh-bah: Bye Bye

Tender Mercies from the Windows of Heaven

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of his tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." - David A. Bednar

Tonight my heart is full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father. In the past week I have seen his hand in my life in the smallest and simplest ways, but even though these may be small examples, they have strengthened my testimony immensely. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father is watching over me and my family, He knows my life in detail, and he knows and understands every little thing that might keep me up at night with worry or stress. Once again, he has blessed me to recognize his tender mercies. I am forever indebted to Him for the amazing and very personal love I feel from Him each day. 

I have come to a conclusion... Blogging is hard. I sit at my computer and write what's in my heart. Then I erase, and rewrite, and fix, and edit, and read, and re-read just to make sure that I have said everything "politically correct" or to be sure not to offend anyone, or give anyone the wrong idea that I am trying to portray a perfect life... or complaining of a life with to many challenges... or any number of things that any number of people could feel after reading my posts. Then I worry about what people will think of me once I am done. To be honest I have written entire posts, just to delete in fear of someone actually reading it. Then on occasion, at times like this when I am feeling so strongly about something I brush all of that aside and just put my heart on this page. Then I cross my fingers that anyone reading this is able to see my true intent. I just want to remember these times in detail: The blessings, the challenges, and everything that life brings, so that I can look back and see exactly where I have come from and to give my children a piece of my heart to always remember in their future. I have been on the "reading" end of blogs and felt emotions anywhere from joy, sympathy, heartache, jealousy, or happiness from what I read and I only hope I am able to portray things the way they are... real. It's easy to post about the good things in life, and really difficult to post about the hard things. It's a vulnerable spot to be in, but I feel like these are the most important things that I wan't to share and document forever. Enough of my sidetracked train of thought :) Back to my reason for this post... Tender Mercies

1. Right now our budget is tight... And I'm talking "Tight like unto a dish" haha (Ether 2:17) we have been praying for work to pick up for Lloyd, or photography opportunities for me. Then I implemented a budget that we have stuck to the last month. This week I realized that our prayers are being answered differently than expected, but better than I could have hoped. We have learned to be smart with our finances again! We are being blessed with the determination to stick with our budget and we have been able to do more with less. I am amazed at the peace it has brought to our marriage. The balance in the bank may be smaller than a few months ago, but we are able to pay our bills and still have a little to spare. I realize how blessed we are to be able to say that. 

2. That being said, this week we had a few moments of worry between paychecks. As long as we were very careful with our budget we knew we would be fine, but that stress just seems to take a lot out of me when it's a constant worry for even as little as a week. The events of this week happened just so that we had a few Christmas parties and places where we had dinner provided. After our ward party Friday night we were helping clean up and there was leftover food. We were able to take home enough food to feed us for at least 3 or 4 meals! As I was walking to my car I just felt the spirit testify to me that the smallest of blessings... A plate of roast beef and a bag of rolls would allow me to leave next weeks "grocery budget" in the bank and calm my heart from the worry I had been feeling in the back of my mind. 

3. We want another baby... like yesterday ;) We had always planned to have another baby around Treyson's second birthday. We want our children to grow up close enough to be friends... easier said than done of course. It's been 8 months of trying, 2 miscarriages, lots of prayers, and unfortunately no physically possible way to get a baby here by that Birthday deadline. Every time that I feel myself starting to worry about the situation I get a feeling of complete peace in my heart. I know this blessing will come exactly on God's timetable and for now just having that peaceful feeling is enough for me.

I am just so blessed to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. It gives my life direction, meaning, and a perfect blueprint of how to TRY and raise my family. I am thankful for this season and the true meaning of Christmas. I know the true happiness of this time of year comes from giving to others, but today especially I am grateful for the tender mercies I have been given, and for the chance I have to share my thoughts!  

Crazy

I am grateful for days like today. I am feeling so blessed to be married to my best friend! I love that I am still excited to come home and see him after work, and how he makes me laugh every day. I couldn't be happier to be his and I thank my Heavenly Father daily that we get to spend eternity together! I'm just so grateful that I'm still Crazy in love with the sweet and handsome man of my dreams!

Best day of my life

At work today I heard a popular song by American Authors and it jumped out at me like it never has before... Today is gonna be the best day of my life! 

...And English Bulldogs hold a soft spot in our hearts so I chose that's why I chose this video

It reminded me of a phrase my Sunday school teacher Dirk Martin said to our class years ago. Someone asked him how he was doing and he said... "Great! It's the best day of my life! Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet, so it's the best day if my life. 

He may not even remember saying this to us, but it really stuck with me in highschool and I even stole his line a few times when people would ask me how I was doing. When I had such a good outlook on my day it went much better and I always seemed to find something to be happy about when I treated it like the best day of my life.

Since our move a couple of months ago I have been desperately trying to find a balance, and peace in day to day life. It has been a struggle at times. I went back to work for the first time in almost 2 years, but that didn't change all the things I still have to get done at home every day. So in efforts to find my sanity :) I have been trying be grateful for every little thing each day... Good or bad. It has helped immensely and I'm reminded every day how blessed I am, especially when I can look for and appreciate reasons to be grateful for the hard times to. So I guess you could say I had a "re-epiphany" today when I heard this song. I miss the days of just being so happy because I woke up and decided to be that way. So what better way to boost my "attitude of gratitude" than to remember today is the very best day of my life and to treat it that way! 

And on an unrelated note... here is Trey having a little dance party in the living room today... Boise state beanie, nacho libre cape and all! 

I just never want to forget the little moments like these that make up our days together

Happy Halloween

A great man once said, "Mmm... Goo toast" -hehe

In honor of that funny yet ridiculous man I present to you, Nacho Libre Jr!

 For our ward party we took a more modest approach on the costume... Homeless man working for candy!

Motherhood

The noblest calling in the world is motherhood. - David O. McKay

Today I got to stay home from work and be with Trey all day... I miss this! Even though I'm only gone half of the day, it was so different getting to be home with him all day again. I gave all my attention to my favorite little boy and tried to let him do whatever he wanted just for the day! Lucky for me, we have had a day full of playing, hugs, kisses, tickles, and snuggles on the couch.

We were both so much happier than on our usual Monday! Even though Trey had a minor melt down at the grocery store, I felt like we bounced back a lot quicker than normal. 

It's a day like today that reminds me how grateful I am to be a mother. I am happy that I can be helping out with our finance by working part time right now... But At the same time I am SO looking forward to the day when I get to put ALL my time and energy into my "Mommy" duties again! I know that is the most important work I could ever do, and to be honest... most days I feel guilty that I l'm not staying home like I used to. I worry that every tantrum that gets thrown (which seems to be happening more than usual lately) is somehow a result of me being gone every day, or Trey not getting my one on one attention near as much anymore.

This may seem like a silly thing to worry myself over, but it's just one of the countless little things that has a way of keeping a Mother up at night worrying over. And even though I am far from perfect I truly thank my Heavenly Father every day just for the opportunity He gave me to be Treyson's Mom. Most days I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of raising him, but he is always amazing me with his sweet little spirit. It is truly a blessing in our lives and I know I will probably learn so much more from him in a lifetime than I can ever teach him myself. All in all, today I am just happy that I got to be reminded of how much I love my first, favorite, and most important job... Being a Mommy! 

Nutella and crackers on the car ride home! This smile makes it all worth it

Sugar high!

This is what ENTIRELY to much sugar in an 18 month old boy sounds like... On the way home from Jeff and Jenna's wedding reception where Trey had more than his fair share of refreshments :) 

Life as we know it

Summer has come and gone... And I haven't blogged in 2 months! Life has been exceptionally hectic lately and posting just hasn't made it's way to the top of my priority list. And even though I should really be editing a photo shoot right now... I'm giving myself 20 minutes. 

Treyson was being the mischievous little boy that he is tonight and after getting him on video I just couldn't put off posting another day. I can't afford to forget all the crazy little moments that make up our day to day life. 

Here are all the other ups and downs of our summer that have yet to be recorded so I don't forget what a great year it's been so far.

-4th of July- Trey wasn't as excited about our home firework show as we were hoping, but it was still fun

-FamLee Reunion- We were in charge d the Lee reunion this year and had an amazing week with most of Lloyd's family. We had a Hunger Games theme and as always had the best time together as a family

-Treyson's first fat lip- Face plant onto the floor... hard!

-We Moved!- This has definitely been the main component of our stress and chaos since August, but we're finally starting to settle in. We went from a home in Shelley to a small apartment in Pocatello... Not the funnest thing in the world to downsize, but it will be well worth the sacrifice

-Uncle Buddy and Cousin Hayden went on a Mission- We miss them, but are so grateful for the awesome example they are setting. They will be great missionaries!

-Lloyd is back in school- 3rd... Or 4th or 5th time is the charm ;) he is getting his business management degree online and now selling insurance. One of the greatest parts of our move is this new job for him! He is enjoying it and we get to have more time together as a family

-Pool time at Grandpa and Granni's house- Then, Granni "pushed" him back in the pool in his dry clothes... and regular diaper... and it got a little full!

-Trey is our little chatter box- He has learned to say, "oh dear" and it's just about the cutest thing in the world. His new favorite animal sounds to make are a chicken, kitty, cow, duck, horse, and bunny

-2 Pregnancies -2 Miscarriages- One in June, one in August. We have definitely had our emotional highs and lows about it all, but apparently the timing just hasn't been right yet... But boy will we be excited when it is!

-Labor Day camping trip!- We're hoping to make it a yearly tradition with both of our families

-I am a lunch lady!- I'm working at a local highschool and it's perfect for our situation right now. Lloyd stays home in the morning, and we switch when I get off work. Not having to put Trey in daycare is a blessing

-Photography!-  I have loved starting this little photography business and I am honestly just thrilled to get take pictures for people. I feel so lucky to have found something I love so much!

-Trey is learning lots- He knows where his nose, mouth, eyes, belly, and muscles are!

-General Conference- What an uplifting weekend we just had. I feel spiritually renewed and so grateful for guidance and direction from our church leaders. I felt like so many of the talks were written directly to me.

-Trey had his own "ups" and "downs"- :) I couldn't help taking this picture even though he was very upset about falling down!

It may be a little crazy, but this is life as we know it. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Moments like these

Tonight as we were enjoying a fresh batch of cookies and listening to one of our favorite pandora stations around the house, my all time favorite Norah Jones song came on. I said "Oh I LOVE this song!" Immediately Lloyd came sweeping into the living room and pulled me up off the couch for a slow dance and even stole a chocolate chip cookie kiss :) Trey was busy eating a messy cookie in each hand, and I was to happy dancing with my honey to care. These are the perfect little moments that make life so sweet. 

Summer Time!

I was going through an old camera today and came across this picture! This was Treyson's very first Sunday going to church when he was a week and a half old. (May 6, 2012) I can't believe how much has changed since then. One year later and this little dark hair and olive skin baby that needed us to take care of his every need, has turned into a pasty white blonde just like mom and dad. :) who also thinks he is a "big boy" and is learning to do so many things on his own

We have been enjoying our summer so far, it has been HOT, but it's given us good excuse to play in the water and get out of the house when we can! Here's what we have been up to so far...

Denim Graduated!

He also got his Mission Call! He will be leaving to Atlanta, Georgia on August 14th! We are excited for him and know he will be a great missionary!

We went to the zoo on Memorial day weekend with Grandma, Grandad and Aunt Sylinda. Treyson was pretty much just there for the animal crackers and a ride in the stroller, but it was still a fun day.

 His favorite was definitely the monkeys, he even made the "ah-ah" sound when we put him up by the cage

And this was my view for most of the day :) I loved it!

And speaking of animals.. This is what we get when we ask Treyson "What does a fishy say?"

We also got to celebrate Father's day! We sure love our Daddy in this house! Lloyd is such a wonderful husband and father. I am so grateful that I get to be with him forever, and one of my greatest joys in life comes from watching him be such a fun Daddy to Treyson. This year for Father's day we did a special photo shoot and put big prints of these pictures up in Trey's room... he already wan'ts to be Just like his Daddy!

Goodnight

I love my husband! It's one of those nights when I can't seem to shut my brain down and go to sleep... So as I am looking through Pinterest I came across one of my favorite quotes. I've posted it before but it never fails to remind me how blessed I am to be married to the man I love. I'm so grateful for the tender mercies of my Heavenly Father because when I feel the spirit reconfirm the best decision I ever made, I know that He is listening always... Even at 12:20am on a Thursday.

What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.” 

― Gordon B. Hinckley

Happy 1st Birthday!

Well... better late than never right?! The past month has been a super crazy one at our house. We are in the process of Lloyd going back to school, trying to rent/sell our house, being busy in church callings, and always chasing our little monkey boy around! It may be a month late, but I finally found a minute to post some pictures of the Birthday boy! 

Treyson absolutely loves "The Lorax" movie, so that was the theme for his party. I had a lot of fun getting everything ready, and loved the chance to be a little creative! Can't believe my baby boy is already 1. He has been such a blessing to us, and we say all the time... "What did we ever do before we had him?" It seems like he is the source of our constant entertainment, but we sure love him! Here are just a few of the things that make up this Birthday Boy's amazing personality!

Treyson. 1 year. Loves giving kisses. 6 teeth.  

Loves walking with push cart. Everything is "Dada"... including Mama. 

23lb. 9oz. Loves to cuddle while Mom sings at bed time. 18-24 month clothes. 31in tall. Everything belongs on the floor... Everything. Loves to swing. Waves bye bye. Still a little to nervous to walk alone. Loves sippy cup with a straw. Into mischief always. Wears anything he can around his neck. 

What does a puppy say?... Woof woof. Best smile in the world. 

Biggest blessing of our lives. Happy Birthday Trey!

Here is the Birthday shirt I made

And all the decorations

 Mr. Lorax

 And of course the Truffula trees!

 Truffula tree - oreo pop - cakes!

 One cake just Treyson's size!

 He was pretty excited, but a little scared to dig in at first... I'm sure he was waiting for Mom to get after him ;)

 So Dad had to finally get him started!

 It didn't take to long for him to get the hang of it

 He literally had cake from ear to ear

 And when he had enough... you better believe that cake went straight to the floor 

 He even offered to share :)

 And to top of the celebration, I let him tear down the streamers the next morning

 This is all we were left with once he was done

And he even found some leftover crumbs of cake on his high chair that he decided to eat for breakfast

We don't know what we would do without this little guy! Love him to pieces!