Almost... Again.

I was hoping for better circumstances to post this, but this will have to do. At least I'll have something to look back on and remember all the details of another "almost" in our little family. This week will mark my 4th miscarriage. 

I wote this post December 27th, the night I found out I was pregnant... Again.

-Having a little trouble sleeping tonight... I'm happy to say I have a lot on my mind. I am crossing my finger that in 7 LONG and seemingly forever away weeks that this post sees the light of day. If so, that means a picture of 2 pink lines will be closely followed by a beautiful picture of a 12 week old baby ultrasound!

I've taken 3 different pregnancy tests within a weeks time. The first two were negative and today one was positive! I am a tad bit ancy when it comes to pregnancy tests, so I wasn't surprised when the first was negative because I already knew I was taking it to early and the chances of it even detecting I was pregnant were slim... Then 3 days later I decided what the heck might as well try again just to be sure right?... Nothin :( 

So today against Lloyd's advice I decided to buy one more test. I don't feel pregnant (which makes me even more nervous), but I'm never 9 days late either! So just to calm my mind I try one more time, and let me tell you, I can't even explain the rush of emotions when I finally glance down and see both pink lines on that little stick! A huge grin came on my face, shortly followed by a sinking feeling in my stomach. After the year we have had trying for a baby, it's hard not to be worried and just be excited. I decided to tell Lloyd very casually so as not to get to worked up over it... Just in case. 

I came in the bedroom where he was sitting at his desk and said, "Well I guess I'm pregnant". That of course got his attention and as he looked up at me to ask if I was serious I could feel my eyes welling up, but I managed to hold it together. After I told him I wasn't joking we had an "air-high five" haha and then he said, "Well then get over here and give me a hug and a kiss". We nervously came together like we were about to step on a land mine. This isn't our first rodeo, so we try to stay calm until we can know if everything is ok with our sweet baby tadpole :) 

So now the waiting game begins. I walk on egg shells for 7 weeks in hopes that I actually get to go to my first prenatal visit this time! All in all, I can't help but be excited at even the chance to be a mommy again. I know everything works on the Lords timetable, but I'm sure hoping and praying that now is the time for us! 

One part I left out of the story is how right after I told Lloyd the news, he told me that earlier in the day he was working on homework and out of no where he had the very distinct impression, "Sunni will have a baby on MY time." He said he really didn't think much of it because he already knew things would work when they were supposed to. I think I purposely left this part out in hopes that it  just meant NOW is the right time... And not what was really in the back of my mind. That this still wasn't the  right timing, and maybe Lloyd got that impression as a reminder to me that I need to be patient and faithful. 

As I write this tonight I again have a mix of emotions. I can feel my hormones going out of wack as my body goes through the motions of yet another miscarriage. I have my moments when I'm able to handle it just fine and be strong, then before long I'm an emotional mess and being sad about it. Yet through it all I can't even begin to ignore the underlying feeling of peace that I know I'm being cared for by my Heavenly Father. 

I don't know all the answers, or why this keeps happening, but I do know that its something I don't need to worry myself over. I believe that I will see the Lord's hand in every step of this journey as I look back on our experiences. I have decided that instead of stressing over what to do with myself every time this doesn't work out, it's time to start focusing my attention elsewhere and bettering myself as a person regardless of my "baby" situation. I already know The Lord will bless us with more children when the time is right, so instead of dwelling and worrying about when that might happen, it's time to get working on other goals I have for myself. 

- Get Healthy: After having Trey I got within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight for a while... Then I got lazy and found a few more pounds instead of losing the last 5. I'd love to start exercising and regardless of the weight, just find a place where I am happy with how I feel inside and out! This week I'm getting a gym membership, and starting my green smoothies again! 

- Be a better wife and mommy: I find myself easily distracted by electronics and TV. My iphone is an easy fix for a lot of things and I rely on it to much to entertain myself... and Treyson. If I want to be a mom again so bad I need to start acting like a good one and focus my spare time on "real" activities with Trey and making my house a place where we can feel the spirit. This year I'm putting my electronics on the back burner, cleaning my house more effectively, and spending quality time with both of my boys!