Almost... Again.

I was hoping for better circumstances to post this, but this will have to do. At least I'll have something to look back on and remember all the details of another "almost" in our little family. This week will mark my 4th miscarriage. 

I wote this post December 27th, the night I found out I was pregnant... Again.

-Having a little trouble sleeping tonight... I'm happy to say I have a lot on my mind. I am crossing my finger that in 7 LONG and seemingly forever away weeks that this post sees the light of day. If so, that means a picture of 2 pink lines will be closely followed by a beautiful picture of a 12 week old baby ultrasound!

I've taken 3 different pregnancy tests within a weeks time. The first two were negative and today one was positive! I am a tad bit ancy when it comes to pregnancy tests, so I wasn't surprised when the first was negative because I already knew I was taking it to early and the chances of it even detecting I was pregnant were slim... Then 3 days later I decided what the heck might as well try again just to be sure right?... Nothin :( 

So today against Lloyd's advice I decided to buy one more test. I don't feel pregnant (which makes me even more nervous), but I'm never 9 days late either! So just to calm my mind I try one more time, and let me tell you, I can't even explain the rush of emotions when I finally glance down and see both pink lines on that little stick! A huge grin came on my face, shortly followed by a sinking feeling in my stomach. After the year we have had trying for a baby, it's hard not to be worried and just be excited. I decided to tell Lloyd very casually so as not to get to worked up over it... Just in case. 

I came in the bedroom where he was sitting at his desk and said, "Well I guess I'm pregnant". That of course got his attention and as he looked up at me to ask if I was serious I could feel my eyes welling up, but I managed to hold it together. After I told him I wasn't joking we had an "air-high five" haha and then he said, "Well then get over here and give me a hug and a kiss". We nervously came together like we were about to step on a land mine. This isn't our first rodeo, so we try to stay calm until we can know if everything is ok with our sweet baby tadpole :) 

So now the waiting game begins. I walk on egg shells for 7 weeks in hopes that I actually get to go to my first prenatal visit this time! All in all, I can't help but be excited at even the chance to be a mommy again. I know everything works on the Lords timetable, but I'm sure hoping and praying that now is the time for us! 

One part I left out of the story is how right after I told Lloyd the news, he told me that earlier in the day he was working on homework and out of no where he had the very distinct impression, "Sunni will have a baby on MY time." He said he really didn't think much of it because he already knew things would work when they were supposed to. I think I purposely left this part out in hopes that it  just meant NOW is the right time... And not what was really in the back of my mind. That this still wasn't the  right timing, and maybe Lloyd got that impression as a reminder to me that I need to be patient and faithful. 

As I write this tonight I again have a mix of emotions. I can feel my hormones going out of wack as my body goes through the motions of yet another miscarriage. I have my moments when I'm able to handle it just fine and be strong, then before long I'm an emotional mess and being sad about it. Yet through it all I can't even begin to ignore the underlying feeling of peace that I know I'm being cared for by my Heavenly Father. 

I don't know all the answers, or why this keeps happening, but I do know that its something I don't need to worry myself over. I believe that I will see the Lord's hand in every step of this journey as I look back on our experiences. I have decided that instead of stressing over what to do with myself every time this doesn't work out, it's time to start focusing my attention elsewhere and bettering myself as a person regardless of my "baby" situation. I already know The Lord will bless us with more children when the time is right, so instead of dwelling and worrying about when that might happen, it's time to get working on other goals I have for myself. 

- Get Healthy: After having Trey I got within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight for a while... Then I got lazy and found a few more pounds instead of losing the last 5. I'd love to start exercising and regardless of the weight, just find a place where I am happy with how I feel inside and out! This week I'm getting a gym membership, and starting my green smoothies again! 

- Be a better wife and mommy: I find myself easily distracted by electronics and TV. My iphone is an easy fix for a lot of things and I rely on it to much to entertain myself... and Treyson. If I want to be a mom again so bad I need to start acting like a good one and focus my spare time on "real" activities with Trey and making my house a place where we can feel the spirit. This year I'm putting my electronics on the back burner, cleaning my house more effectively, and spending quality time with both of my boys! 

From the mouth of babes

As Trey is learning more "words" I often find myself being the only one that can understand him. I thought it would be fun to document his little "language" as it evolves! 

Na-na: Banana

Ny-ny: Good night

Ka-ka: Cracker or pretty much any food

Oh ka-ka (while shaking his head): No Cracker

Muh: Milk

Joo: Juice

Ta-ta-ta: Hot

Kckie: Cookie 

Chee: Cheese

Puh-puh: Apple

Wa-wa: Water/shower

Tee: Brush Teeth

Pa-pa: Grandpa/Grandad

Ma-ma: Grandma

Gnani: Granni

Dadaay: Daddy

Ma: Mommy

Chutchu: Catcher

Noh: Nose

Giggies: Piggies/toes

Bah: Ball

Chuh: Chair

Di-Dow: Sit down

Kah: Car/Socks

Kee or Tee: Keys

Wuh-wuh: Word World

Mo-mo: Elmo

Maou: Micky Mouse

Lah-laah: Light

Booh: Book

Luh-yyyyoo: I love you 

do-Do-DO!!: 1-2-3

Oh Nnnnnoh: Oh no

Oh Derrr: Oh dear

Ah-Da: All done

Ah-Ga: All gone

Mo-mo: More

Ha-ta: Hat

Djoo: Shoes

Kikie: Icky/sticky

Peee: Please

Duh-Doo: Thank You

Hiy-hiy: Hi

Buh-bah: Bye Bye

Tender Mercies from the Windows of Heaven

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of his tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." - David A. Bednar

Tonight my heart is full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father. In the past week I have seen his hand in my life in the smallest and simplest ways, but even though these may be small examples, they have strengthened my testimony immensely. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father is watching over me and my family, He knows my life in detail, and he knows and understands every little thing that might keep me up at night with worry or stress. Once again, he has blessed me to recognize his tender mercies. I am forever indebted to Him for the amazing and very personal love I feel from Him each day. 

I have come to a conclusion... Blogging is hard. I sit at my computer and write what's in my heart. Then I erase, and rewrite, and fix, and edit, and read, and re-read just to make sure that I have said everything "politically correct" or to be sure not to offend anyone, or give anyone the wrong idea that I am trying to portray a perfect life... or complaining of a life with to many challenges... or any number of things that any number of people could feel after reading my posts. Then I worry about what people will think of me once I am done. To be honest I have written entire posts, just to delete in fear of someone actually reading it. Then on occasion, at times like this when I am feeling so strongly about something I brush all of that aside and just put my heart on this page. Then I cross my fingers that anyone reading this is able to see my true intent. I just want to remember these times in detail: The blessings, the challenges, and everything that life brings, so that I can look back and see exactly where I have come from and to give my children a piece of my heart to always remember in their future. I have been on the "reading" end of blogs and felt emotions anywhere from joy, sympathy, heartache, jealousy, or happiness from what I read and I only hope I am able to portray things the way they are... real. It's easy to post about the good things in life, and really difficult to post about the hard things. It's a vulnerable spot to be in, but I feel like these are the most important things that I wan't to share and document forever. Enough of my sidetracked train of thought :) Back to my reason for this post... Tender Mercies

1. Right now our budget is tight... And I'm talking "Tight like unto a dish" haha (Ether 2:17) we have been praying for work to pick up for Lloyd, or photography opportunities for me. Then I implemented a budget that we have stuck to the last month. This week I realized that our prayers are being answered differently than expected, but better than I could have hoped. We have learned to be smart with our finances again! We are being blessed with the determination to stick with our budget and we have been able to do more with less. I am amazed at the peace it has brought to our marriage. The balance in the bank may be smaller than a few months ago, but we are able to pay our bills and still have a little to spare. I realize how blessed we are to be able to say that. 

2. That being said, this week we had a few moments of worry between paychecks. As long as we were very careful with our budget we knew we would be fine, but that stress just seems to take a lot out of me when it's a constant worry for even as little as a week. The events of this week happened just so that we had a few Christmas parties and places where we had dinner provided. After our ward party Friday night we were helping clean up and there was leftover food. We were able to take home enough food to feed us for at least 3 or 4 meals! As I was walking to my car I just felt the spirit testify to me that the smallest of blessings... A plate of roast beef and a bag of rolls would allow me to leave next weeks "grocery budget" in the bank and calm my heart from the worry I had been feeling in the back of my mind. 

3. We want another baby... like yesterday ;) We had always planned to have another baby around Treyson's second birthday. We want our children to grow up close enough to be friends... easier said than done of course. It's been 8 months of trying, 2 miscarriages, lots of prayers, and unfortunately no physically possible way to get a baby here by that Birthday deadline. Every time that I feel myself starting to worry about the situation I get a feeling of complete peace in my heart. I know this blessing will come exactly on God's timetable and for now just having that peaceful feeling is enough for me.

I am just so blessed to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. It gives my life direction, meaning, and a perfect blueprint of how to TRY and raise my family. I am thankful for this season and the true meaning of Christmas. I know the true happiness of this time of year comes from giving to others, but today especially I am grateful for the tender mercies I have been given, and for the chance I have to share my thoughts!  

Crazy

I am grateful for days like today. I am feeling so blessed to be married to my best friend! I love that I am still excited to come home and see him after work, and how he makes me laugh every day. I couldn't be happier to be his and I thank my Heavenly Father daily that we get to spend eternity together! I'm just so grateful that I'm still Crazy in love with the sweet and handsome man of my dreams!