Here goes nothing...

I am not entirely sure why I am creating this blog. I am afraid that it may cause family or friends to feel as if they need to take time out of their busy days to read this just to prove their support to me, or to make me feel good. To be honest I have debated even posting this at all for that reason, but in the end, I realize I need to do this for me. Sometimes it helps to just get my thoughts out there, something a little more concrete to really think through things that happen in life. I find that by walking myself through a situation, I find clarity and end up answering my own questions sometimes. I would love to think my little boy, and future children could have this to look back on and be able to get to know the real me from a day to day perspective. The good, bad, and ugly as its all unfolding.

I have been meaning to keep a journal for some time now but can never seem to keep up with it for more than about a month... ok maybe a week. I am a new mom and I think there are just so many other things on my to do list, that taking the time each day to sit down and write in an actual journal easily gets pushed aside when there is always laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, dinner to be cooked, and a baby to be fed. So my hope is that by having this journal online, that is easy access and literally at my finger tips at almost any given moment, that I can really commit and make this a priority.

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I really am. I love my family and friends deeply and would do anything for those that I care most about. I am also an active member of the LDS church and find so much joy and meaning to my life by striving to live by its teachings. I was just looking through some old posts on previous blogs I started in college and when I was first married. I was kicking myself for not doing something like this sooner. It's sad how quickly we can forget about things in the past, yet looking back to those posts its like I'm teaching myself things today that weren't even meant to be a lesson learned when they happened.

I have always been the happy go lucky, but somewhat shy girl. In high school I was involved in art, photography, choir, school plays and musicals. I liked to play guitar and listen to anything from alternative rock, to country, to musicals. My creative and musical sides were pretty much what defined me and I was passionate about them. I had amazing friends, but looking back I realize the shy girl in me let them sometimes control a little more of my life than I should have. They weren't bad influences by any means, and I'm grateful for the great memories I have from high school, I just wish I would have taken a little more "me" time once in a while to discover who I really was.

Graduation day came and I was so ready to run away from the small town, and everything that came with it. I was on a mission to break out of my shell in college... Prove to myself and the world that I was no longer the timid, goody goody girl from Snake River. I was bound and determined to leave it all behind and become a confident, outgoing, and fun girl who would EASILY find her prince charming and ride off into the sunset and never look back.

Well... Plans change! In my efforts to change my image, I opted out of going to sing hymns on campus with my roommates on Sunday evenings. (To goody goody, for the "new" me... And EXACTLY what the "old" me would have done and loved) Then I heard the school was putting on my favorite musical!! "Thoroughly modern Millie" I would have died for a chance to even be in the chorus! So you can imagine my disappointment when I realized I found this out 3 days AFTER auditions had closed. But that's ok, I decided I'd survive... The new "cool" me was then willing to put the musicals in the past, and move on to more "mature" things. Surely I could just leave this part of me behind to.

I did try to hold onto the "artsy" part of myself with only a couple unfinished paintings in my apartment to show for it. So art got thrown to the wayside as well. In another effort to show the world the new me I started my first blog... it was the cool thing to do and I was creative and crafty enough that it was fun for me. It was mostly pictures of me with my roommates and cute stories about my new boyfriend, but as soon as that boyfriend turned fiance I dropped that blog and started a new one to document our soon to be family events. I wasn't consciously trying to leave college in the dust, but looking back that's exactly what happened. I was so focused on being the new perfect little wife, that I always wanted to be, that I subconsciously dropped my efforts of the "new and improved college girl" to commit to my "new-er and improved-er" housewife. Long gone were the days of playing guitar, photography, or singing anywhere but in the shower... I had "grown up" stuff to worry about now. And I never realized until now... Almost 4 years later that I wish I would have done things differently.

Now don't get me wrong, I ABSOLUTELY love and have never once regretted being a young, LDS, housewife to an amazing husband who is without a doubt my better half, and a mom to the most amazing blessing in my life, a 3 month old baby boy ... But I am discovering that I may have left some of the most important parts of who I really am behind in that college apartment, and yes, maybe even that high school gymnasium years ago.

I had always heard the stories of Mothers having a melt down trying to find who they are after "losing their identity" to their children and becoming "just a mom". I never quite understood it just because that's all I ever wanted to be was a mom! I know it's my greatest calling in life, and now that it's finally here it has got me thinking a lot. I can absolutely see how you could get "lost" in motherhood now because it can literally consume your every moment. So I have always had a goal in mind to be the kind of mom that keeps herself in check enough that I don't end up resenting my motherhood... Ever. I want to be in a good enough place with myself, my husband, and my Savior Jesus Christ, that I can enjoy being a mother and everything that comes with it, even on the bad days.

With that being said, I feel confident in my relationship with my husband, and my Savior. Obviously, there is always room for improvement, but I am striving each day to do the little things that bring me closer to them both. Now as for myself, this is where the work comes in. I've never thought I would be one to lose my identity to my motherhood, but as I have been reflecting lately... that's not even a possibility at this point. I am discovering that I have never completely found myself to start with! I have been continually dropping all the little things that make up who I really am, and just going with the flow in life. I guess my thinking was if I got rid of all the things from my past, that new things would just pop up that make me into this perfect person I thought I was supposed to be.

Lucky for me, the one thing I have never lost is that happy attitude and outlook on life. It may have gotten tarnished at times, but even through the bad days I am usually able to see the positive. I have been very fortunate to be raised in the Gospel by loving parents. I have never questioned my testimony, or the fact that centering my life around the gospel is exactly what I want to always do. However, I know from experience, that even when I don't understand everything, and things get hard... living the Gospel makes me happy. I think this is the reason I have been able to "float" through life, happy as a clam even if I didn't even realize myself that I was missing a few things on the inside.

But now I have something to live up to. I wan't to be a wife and a mother that my family can look to as a strong woman who knows herself and has pride in where she came from and where she is going. So here it is... this is my resolve to find myself in every aspect of my life. I plan to learn and grow from every part of me that I have previously tried to run away from. I want the world to see me for who I really am, even if that isn't who I thought it would be. I want to pick up where I left off and embrace the parts of life that I was passionate about but thought I didn't have time for anymore.

My name is Sunni Lee, I am happily married to the man of my dreams. We have a beautiful son together who blesses our lives every single day. My family is my greatest joy in life. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I am so grateful for that. The gospel gives my life meaning and a reason to live the best I can so I can be with my family for eternity. I am shy. I love to make people laugh. I am happiest when I see my husband playing with our son. I have a deep love for art, and photography. I am "just a mom" and that is the best compliment I could ever receive. I am drawn to music and I love to sing and play the guitar. I am independent. I love alternative rock, and my favorite band of all time is Relient K. I am self conscious, and don't usualy have much confidence. I like to listen to my music a little to loud. I still sing and dance around my house to my favorite CD's while I clean. I love to cook, but hate the dishes. I stress a little to much. I recently discovered a love for reading. I don't have to give up who I am to be a good wife and mother. I am determined and smart. I am unique. I am ready to embrace all of this and resolve to make the next chapter in my life the best yet. I am ready to become who I was meant to be... Just Me.